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she's afraid of the world

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[03 May 2005|11:30pm]

i awoke during the night, disturbed by a hellish vision of my own expiration. and my mind held that feeling throughout the day. it was hazy and rainy. i saw a three car pile-up on the way to work.
the reality of death and nonexistence seems much closer now, somehow. its there, crouching in the doorway.
and i have no idea why i feel this way, or why today is any different. i feel very hopeless and despaired. im very scared for this world, im very scared for me.

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[09 Aug 2004|01:21am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

The basic difference between an ordinary man and a warrior is that a warrior takes everything as a challenge, while an ordinary man takes everything either as a blessing or a curse.

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[28 Jul 2004|01:49am]
[ mood | crappy ]

i stare out of my window a lot when i travel. its the loneliest view sometimes. youre passing hundreds of places and people and youre totally removed from them.

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[28 Jun 2004|05:33pm]

I bought a new book today, it's entitled 'How To Quit Reading'. It's working so far, I haven't even opened it.

2 comments|post comment

[16 Jun 2004|04:21pm]

i knew it was wrong
but i played along

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[24 May 2004|06:19pm]
[ mood | listless ]

5 test tubes of blood drawn out of me.

yuck. yuck.

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[08 May 2004|05:03pm]

april: a yuppie idiot haven. dilaudid. valium. white and yellow and blue balloons. straight to the moon. a swift plummet to rock bottom. kicking at the walls and punching out the clocks. white powder heroin. lost $120. ER. demerol and lortab. i'm getting better, i promise..

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[19 Apr 2004|11:43pm]

im a realist. and death is the ultimate reality. dont kid yourself.

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[17 Apr 2004|02:58pm]

Sometimes I wake up and just know that everything will be fine.
But the problem with this optimism or faith is that I'm living my life like a lottery.
And we all know that with lotteries, there is a very good chance that you're going to lose.
And that's not pessimism. That's called reality.

Today I'm going to be optimisitc.

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[14 Apr 2004|10:08pm]



this is the world you live in

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ambivalence [07 Apr 2004|12:04am]

Alcohol and drug abuse
Absence from work
Suicidal tendencies
Psychosomatic symptom displacement
Generalised hypochondria

The importance of peer acceptance, conformity to adolescent norms, interdependence from family ties and an exaggerated perception of physique

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[08 Mar 2004|11:48pm]
[ mood | numb ]

there's a gap where we meet
where you end and i begin
and i'm sorry for us..

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ingen ingen ingen ingen hör [26 Jan 2004|10:14pm]

it's strange to be sober. there's a fatal romantic attraction to self-destruction, especially when one is sad. i can't sleep without downers. i wish my doctor would give me seconal. i miss my cat. and i wanna be enchanted again. i remember a time when i used to think more things were beautiful than ugly.. now i just see grotesque fat caricatures of what could have once been something beautiful.. and that has to change.

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[13 Jan 2004|02:41am]

a night of a thousand shooting tidal waves spilling from the starry ceiling, cloaked in a euphoric nauseating warmth that haunts in waking dreams where ghosts stop the clocks to 3, 2, 1, floating in the oceans of the sky. in a stagnant lake mounted on a bedroom wall a shadowy mirage taunts and beckons towards salacious decadence where the flowers melt into rivers of perfume and the strings always explode polyphonic supreme. a crash course in self-destruction for the kids.

[burn me out like another star.]

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sömnbrist och galenskap [08 Jan 2004|05:04pm]

donnie darko. yes, that movie. i don't see what the big fucking deal is. go watch some gregg araki films if you like that teen apocalypse on acid stuff. [god, i'm so pretentious sometimes.]

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... [08 Jan 2004|02:36am]
[ mood | calm ]

i played 'the pyramid song' over and over again, i would really like to jump into the river in the song. Imagine a moon full of stars and astral cars, going to heaven in a little row boat with all the figures you used to see and all your lovers. With absolutely nothing to fear and nothing to doubt. so reassuring.

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if only i were born someone else. [05 Jan 2004|09:57pm]
[ mood | blah ]

there's so many things i want to do and so many things that are constantly obstructing my way and i am not strong enough to move them and there is no detour path.

i guess i just wasn't made for these times 'til i realise the times made me.

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... [01 Jan 2004|11:20am]
[ mood | numb ]

to civilise and modernize:
criminalize and paralyze
all you want to minimize
they're tantalized and mesmerized
by the candy-coated lies.

it's sad when you watch bad 80's music videos and wish that music nowadays was even that decent.

i slept all day and all night and i'm tired of being awake.

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Lord Marko [28 Dec 2003|09:55pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

Marko and Anders came over to my place today.
we watched movies.
and when we got bored.
we dressed marko up.
and put some make up on his face

Lord Marko is surely the prettiest boy in town.

-fin-

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the temptation changed it all.. [27 Dec 2003|10:30am]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

i dreamed about December
i dreamed about my first kiss.
And how everything began.
When i was seeing Macke.
I was kissing with Pelle.
When i was seeing Macke.
I was kissing Pelle...

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